Recently many of my friends have not been treating me well. I realize that I have been enabling them. Long ago someone said I am a sun, my energy is enormous and infections. I love to give to others and I forget to give to myself. I have over extended myself with many of my friends, giving them more than they can reciprocate. My brother helped me understand that, that I am over extending myself. He has been watching the Dalai Lama recently and explained that Compassion is not just for others, its for yourself as well.
When I realized that my friends cannot give as much as I, I pull back and try to find a better balance point. From their perspective they only see me pulling back, running away from them. This hurts them. I try to explain, but I can't reach them through their pain. I know that I can guide them out of the fog they are in, to the other side of the swamp, but they don't trust me anymore. And so I feel great sorrow and guilt.
It is as if I was walking in a snowy field. Looking at the beautiful mountains in the distance, hearing the crunch of snow under my feet. The stillness permeating me.
I see that I am on the ice of a pond. So I tap here and I tap there, seeing if its safe.
Too late I realize that I have not been walking in a snowy field and this is not a pond. This is a lake. I hear the guttural cannon fire of the ice cleaving. I drop to my knees as the ice brakes. I scream, "Why!" why didn't I check as I entered the snowy field. I feel guilty for not being more careful.
Next, something magical and wonderful happens. I realize this is not a lake but an inlet of the sea. Around the bend the ice floats of into the ocean freeing up the ice on which I stand to so the same. I am surfing on an impromptu boat. I float around the bend marveling at the new landscape I have discovered, a new adventure. I float off into the unknown.
And then I hop off onto the shore just before my ice boat is pulled out to sea and dashed on the rock. Safety first.
I think connection is like a dance lift. I come together with my partner. We bend our knees, going down as a preparation for going up. We strongly connect, my partner is flying because of my strength.
Then, before I get tired, I bring my partner down and we both bend our knees again, absorbing the force of coming back to ground. After my partner has safely landed, we part ways and move to the next part of the dance.
I see so many people in our western culture scared to death of letting go, scared to death of death. I am beginning to see that from the work that I have done, I am much less afraid.
If my dance partner were to afraid of me putting them down, we both will fall.
If my friends are too afraid of me leaving them, we both will get hurt.
I realize that letting go of connection in the right way, bending knees and all, is good preparation for a stronger connection next time. I wish more people understood this.